By Jessy Fox
Reasons women stay in an abusive relationship are not far-fetched When Ray Rice, an NFL linebacker, knocked his fiancée Janay Palmer unconscious in an elevator in 2014, it didn’t garner much attention at the time. He was charged with domestic violence and given a two-game suspension. He was formally prosecuted after a few weeks but he and Palmer married the next day.
When security footage of the occurrence was released, however, it rapidly went viral. The sight of Janay Palmer being thrown down and carried out of the elevator by Rice had a strong impact on the audience. As a result of the uproar, the NFL scrambled to raise Ray Rice’s punishment and conduct an internal l review of its domestic violence policies when Janay Palmer stood out in support of her husband, things took an intriguing turn.
At a news conference, she apologized, stating, “I profoundly regret the role I played that night,” and later encouraged people to refrain from making snap judgments and allegations. “Just know we will continue to develop & show the world what true love is,” she wrote on Instagram, pleading with others not to steal from the guy she loves. This elicited a new public reaction.
Unbelieving onlookers couldn’t comprehend how Palmer could support her lover. Commenters began questioning her sanity, innocence, and motives as the attacks shifted to her. A backlash erupted in response to the charges and questioning. Victims and women’s activists stepped up in Palmer’s defense, describing the difficult decisions that women in violent relationships must make. Beverly Gooden, a North Carolina human resources manager, launched the hashtag #WhyIstayed on Twitter to convey her reasons for staying in a violent marriage. “I tried to leave the house once after a violent outburst, and he barred me,” Gooden claimed, adding later, “I thought love would conquer all.” Hundreds of victims shared their tales of what kept them in abusive relationships using her hashtag, which became a rallying point.
As domestic violence researchers, we were interested in seeing how these blogs could help professionals and the general public better appreciate the specific issues that victims experience. I looked at these voices with my colleague Jaclyn Cravens and Ph.D. student Rola Aamar to see what we could learn. We read, coded, and filtered hundreds of postings from women all across the world before publishing our findings in 2015. 2 We discovered eight primary reasons why women stay in violent relationships as a result of our research:
Irrational Beliefs.
It’s traumatic to be controlled and mistreated, which can lead to confusion, doubts, and even self-blame.
Victims are harassed and accused by perpetrators, who wear them down and fill them with dread and guilt.
“I thought I deserved it,” one woman said, and “I was ashamed, embarrassed, and blamed myself because I thought I triggered him.” Others downplayed the abuse as a coping mechanism, noting, “[I stayed] because I didn’t think emotional and financial abuse was abuse.” Because words don’t hurt,” and “Because I didn’t realize what my lover did to me was rape.”
Self-Worth that has been harmed.
The damage to one’s self as a result of demeaning treatment was also discussed. Many women felt beaten down and useless, expressing things such, “He made me feel worthless and alone,” and “I felt I had done something wrong and deserved it.”
Anxiety.
Abusers utilize the threat of physical and emotional violence to keep women confined and control them.
Female victims of violence are far more likely to be scared and traumatized than male victims. “I was terrified of him…,” one stated. I knew he’d make leaving a dreadful, drawn-out ordeal.” Attempting to flee an abusive partner is risky. One woman felt stuck because her husband had threatened to “hunt me down and hurt all of my loved ones, including our children while I watched and then kill me.”
The desire to be a savior.
Many people expressed a wish to assist or love their spouses in the hopes of changing them: “I thought I could love the abuse out of him.” Others used Twitter to express their internal values or commitments to their spouse or partner, such as: “I believed I would be the strong one that would never leave him and show him loyalty.”I’d mend him and teach him to love.” Others felt sorry for their partners and put their needs aside: “After his father died, he became an alcoholic and insisted that God wouldn’t want me to leave him because he wanted me to help him get better.”
Children are number five.
These women also prioritize their children’s protection over their own: “I was frightened that if he wasn’t beating me, he’d beat his kids.” And I placed a higher value on their lives than on mine.” “I stayed for 20 years while protecting our children, all while being abused,” she added. Others said they stayed for the children’s sake: “I wanted my son to have a father.
Expectations and Experiences in the Family
Many people described how earlier experiences with violence affected their sense of self or harmed their ability to form healthy relationships: “I watched [my father] beat my mother. “Because you were raised by animals, you partner with wolves,” or “Because you were reared by animals, you partner with wolves.” Some highlighted family and religious pressures: “My mother told me that if I broke my marriage, God would disown me.”
Financial constraints are number seven.
“I had no family, two young children, no money, and guilt because he had brain damage from a car accident,” one woman said. “I had no family, two young children, no money, and guilt because he had brain damage from a car accident.” Others were unable to maintain employment due to the abuser’s control or injuries, and others were financially exploited by their abuser:
Solation is number eight.
Separating their victim from family and friends is a frequent method used by manipulative spouses.
As one lady described it, “I was practically stuck in the backwoods of West Virginia and he would exploit my tiny boy to keep me close.” Other times, solitude can be emotionally draining, as one lady was told: “You either have friends and family or you can have me.” These eight reasons for remaining are frequent, but they do not apply to every victim of circumstance. Women can be abusers as well, and there are numerous types of violence. Nonetheless, these blogs offer compelling insider perspectives on the difficulties of making decisions in a violent relationship, which is useful for outsiders to comprehend.
Many victims are fearful of being judged and pressured by friends and colleagues, which is one of the reasons they are hesitant to speak up. More victims of abuse might speak forward and obtain the care they need if more people responded to their experiences of abuse with concern and compassion rather than judgment.
